To All The Boys I Loved Before...

Wednesday, 19 May 2021

I wanted this to be a song, if I’m 100% honest, but then I remembered that I can’t actually write a song – nor can I actually sing. So I’m doing something that I can do: write.

 

One

I fell in love with him when I was 18. Because he smiled and waved at me, in the middle of the crowd. However, no one can forget the time you invited me to watch the film with you, on the first day we ever spoke. Four months later, I come to your event and you spot me. You come over, say hello, and give me a hug. And that’s when I became hooked.

8 years later, I’m sitting here and thinking about it. And I realise, that you only used me for your own ego boost. I was the one that kept speaking your name to all my friends, and I was the one that complimented your work nonstop. To you it was innocent. But to me, I thought we had something. And I was so stupid, to get myself hoping that maybe you liked me too.

Whenever I was down, you’d message me privately and give me compliments. Every birthday I’d get a message from you, wishing I had a good day. However, you were just buttering me up, for your own personal gain.

I wish I could see things back then, with wider eyes. Because it was just a fantasy, and he was never going to be my prize. And just in case you're wondering; I'm still Absolutely Dumbstruck About Manchester.

 

Two

I fell in love with him when I was 19. I’m older now, and they’re inviting me out to drink with them. He really only invites me, so I can keep his girl company. And if anything, I feel more mature when I’m with them. It’s 6 months down the line, and I realise something. It’s always just us four. And for the first time, my best friend makes me realise, maybe there is something more. I never noticed my green-eyed responses, whenever his name was said. And now, thanks to her, I can’t get him out of my head.

With the same old weekend routine, the drinks are flowing. And there’s something about his new bright eyes that are glowing. All of a sudden, when it’s just me and him talking, I can hear my heart racing. And I find myself alone in my room, pacing. Because surely this isn’t the universe speaking? Telling me that it’s a sign? Maybe The One was always right in front of my eyes?

However, reality hits me hard. When drunkenly asked one night, what about me and him together. The second boy says, they’re not allowed to be together. Forbidden with a heavy heart, I try to hide my feelings. But there’s something about it, that’s got my drunken mouth reeling. She has to listen to me cry, as I lay in bed. And she holds my hand; and tells me it’s not in my head.

7 years later, and I still have a soft spot for you. Because to me, you were and always will be, Mr Right person at the wrong time.

 

 

Three

I’m 22 now, and fresh out of my unrequited feelings. I see you every weekday and slowly, I start to find you pleasing. However, because of my social anxiety and my lack of small talk, you’d never know anything about me. And every once in a while, I get the nerve to speak to you, but only online. Then one stupid drunk night, I’m still thinking about boy number 2. Knowing I need to move on, I decide to confess to you. I tell you I like you, and regret it immediately. You tell me you’re flattered, but you’re seeing someone right now.

Numb and red-faced, I pretend it never happened. I still see you at the same place, and my ego is shattered. I stand at the back of the room, pretending I chose to stand there. But the truth is, being near you, was too hard to bare.

4 years later, and I find myself laughing. Because he was just a simple crush and a brand new distraction. It lasted less than 6 months and the shame has gone. Because we had nothing in common, and now your name makes me yawn.

 

 

Four

I fell in love with him when I was 23. A work colleague but given a different name. He sends me messages that are suggestive. I reply back, but I can’t help but testing. Because at the end of the day, you were never going to be The One. You were someone who was supposed to be a bit of fun.

But then he’s making comments about their potentially being an us. And even though my hatred for him was thawing, he’s got my head in a fuzz. Because surely, the six foot tall boy, wasn’t who the universe was giving me? Is this what I deserved? Surely this wasn’t meant to be?

3 years later, and your name still makes me mad. Because I let my guard down, and I started falling for you bad. But now I see you’re with someone new, and for once, I’m actually happy for you.

 

 

Five

I’m 24 and didn’t learn my lesson. Falling for boy number 3, I of course, fall for the same kind again. However this time, the age is evident. Because he’s immature and acts like a boy. However, he’s got a look of someone I’ll never meet. And for that, I keep him sweet. This time, I actually talk to him. We become friends. But in the end, thankfully, that’s how it ends.

But before this story is over, the green eyed monster did come out again. Because she also showed an interest, and maybe she was meant to be the Barbie to your Ken.

Two years later, and the whole story makes me cringe. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, and need to learn when to leave.

 

 

Six

I’m 26 now and have done something naïve. I’ve fallen for the brunette boy, with bright blue eyes. He’s got a talent, I could only dream of having. His attention, is something that I’ve been craving. The plot thickens, as this boy doesn’t know I exist. I tell myself its innocent, and not something I’ll persist.

However, he’s starring in my dreams some nights. And I can’t help wondering if it might? Because he’s everything I want in a boy. But this is a daydream, only I can enjoy. Because he’ll never know my name. For this heartbreak, I’m the only one to blame.

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