Finding My Fitness Feet!

Following my previous post (click here to read it), I thought I would follow up with a brand new instalment. These pictures are hard for me to post, because I'm still battling with feeling self-love and all, but eff it. I'm turning a new leaf.

I like to go to the gym 4/5 times a week. That's usually a mixture of attending gym classes or doing my own workouts. I like the variety, because yes I love my gym and I love the instructors that do the classes, but I don't want to be too dependant on them. I have my own journey that I'm working on fitness wise, and when I get there, I don't want to become lazy and then losing motivation. The type of classes I do are:

• Monday - HIIT
• Tuesday - Kettlebells
• Wednesday - HIIT and Body Conditioning 
• Thursday - (depending on if I'm working or not) Body Conditioning/Rest Day
• Friday - Rest Day
• Saturday - (depending on if I'm working or not) My own workout/Rest Day
• Sunday HIIT

As you can see it's a variety for me. I've purposely started going to the body conditioning classes again, so then it's not all just cardio. I definitely am liking doing some weight work in both classes and on my own. My gym has a weight room and it's so much fun. (If you follow me on Instagram, you'll be able to see some snaps from there when I'm doing my own thing).

I kind of wanted to break down my entire thought process of my gym experience into a bunch of pros and cons. So if you're a nerd like me and enjoy that, then you're in for a right ole treat...

Classes are great, but there's definitely pros and cons to them.

Cons

• Dependant on a teacher to give you the workout
• Can't work on the areas you need, as it's a group workout and everyone needs different areas they're working on
• Can be very repetitive each week

Pros:

• They're more experienced and know what's good for the class as a whole
• Motivates you to keep going on when you're giving up
• A social place 

Those are just a few that I thought I'd mention and add a few on each heading, rather than it being unfair on one point to the other.

If you read my blog, you'll know I do sometimes post my workouts that I've put together. I'm quite aware that I'm no expert and that these are only for what I need to focus on. However, if anyone wants to try them out, that's completely fine. Since I'm constantly changing things up, I'll most probably upload more throughout the year.

I'm still working things out. Figuring what exercises work best for my body. It's a learning process and I want to bring you all along on my journey. Every few months, I'm going to make blog posts all about my progress, what I've changed, etc.

Thanks for reading my long overdue post, and I'll be back with two blog posts next week.

Learning Self-Love.

As a person that's lived a life filled with insecurity and doubt, I've realised my priorities have been influenced in the wrong direction. I'm at the age where are getting married, starting families or living the single dream. Me? I'm just kind of stuck at a crossroad, a bit unsure which I road I belong in. And then last week, it hit me. I don't belong on either path. Not right now, anyway. That's the problem with being in your twenties; there's so much pressure. 

Everyone around me are either dating or in a relationship, and it's the moment you sit there in your room and ask yourself: when is it my turn? And then at work, it hit me. How can I expect to be in a loving relationship when all I've done all my life is struggle to love myself? And I think it's time to start that process. To sit down and really look at myself. Instead of cringing when I look in the mirror, point out what I like about myself. Because then, who knows? A miracle can happen and I'll actually like myself more. 

This isn't one of those blog posts where I write a full post about my insecurities and then ask for tons of comments of compliments to boost my self-esteem. Definitely not that. That's another thing you should know about me: compliments. I don't really take them well. This is a blog post that's the start of the future. Learning to love myself and learning to accept my flaws and to not care what other people think. 

I'm not going to lie and say that being 4 foot 7.5 is easy. You get looks, you get comments that people think are funny, but really they're offensive to you and they hurt. It fucking sucks, to sum it up. But at the end of the day, this is me and this is who I am. This is exactly how I'm meant to be and basically, I've got to get fucking over it. It's not going to change. I can't become taller overnight, like I used to wish. This is how I was made and you know what? If 9 year olds want to take the piss that they're practically taller than me, then go for it babes. Because I don't give a damn anymore. I'm short! Get over it, hun. I'm strong enough to deal with this.

And as I wrote that, it was like it hit me. Clarity struck me and I was rooting for the character to understand that she's exactly how she's meant to be, but then I realised. It's not a character... it's me. And I need to get it. 

The more I think about it, the more stupid I feel. My family love me exactly how I am. My brother and I are the complete opposites: he's around 6 foot and I'm not even 5 foot. And we still get along and no one really ever... questions it. (I mean I did genuinely believe that I was adopted for a few years, 8 years ago...) But then I realise, my mum and dad aren't exactly the tallest people in the world. My mum's 5 foot 2, and my dad's 5 foot 5.5. So really, the abnormal one in this situation, is actually my older brother. Right?

Another thing that is a thought in my head that constantly niggles me. Something that gets me so agitated, I literally have to force myself to get out of that dark place: my weight. Being short, you're naturally short and stumpy. It's just a thing that happens and unfortunately, I got a Kim K arse that I never wanted nor asked for. And most of my friends have said that they wished they had it. And like I always say; if you wanna switch, that's fine with me.

As a typical female around my age, the things I hate about my body are the following: my stomach, thighs, arms and bum. And I'm trying my best to focus on this. I don't expect this to all disappear overnight. I'm working on exercises to help me fix these issues in a healthy and natural way. And a hella lot of weights. (Jokes, more like HIIT workouts). But I've discovered a quote that I thought once, and I stick by it:

I am a work in process.

And when I go to the gym, with a low mood and no motivation; I remind myself of this. 


However, moving on from fitness (I’m planning on doing a full blog post separately on this. Yes this is turning into a self-love series). Moving back onto the original point of the post: me. How am I expecting someone else to love me; for all my flaws and all my faults, if I can’t even sit there and love myself? Accept my flaws and realise that’s just who I am? I can’t. Which is why I make sure I don’t get close enough to someone, so I don’t get hurt, and ultimately, neither do they.

It’s a working progress, in the gym and outside the gym. But maybe I should start the process of listing one thing that I like about myself daily. Maybe it’ll turn into something where I’ve run out… because I love everything about myself.

And that’s my little post on clarity. It turned into something longer than expected, however I think I needed it. Whilst writing this post, I’ve had a few realisations – a breakthrough if you will. And I’m already feeling like I’m getting closer to the end.

Writing Wednesday

You may or may not know, I'm currently writing a book. Since the end of September 2016, this book has been my baby. I've mentioned it a few times on my YouTube that I'm writing it, but recently I've been getting really into it again (thanks writer's block), and I wanted to share a little of my world with you. I will admit, it's not the first book I've ever written. I wrote a book back in High School/College and it was all about Fallen Angels. That was my first baby, however, even though I love that book and I'd love for it to be out there on shelves and have a shot; I kind of feel like I sort of... copied my favourite book at the time. And that book is Hush Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick.

Now don't get me wrong, the way I set my characters, the storyline, etc. was all my idea. Although, I do feel like my book was heavily influenced by the Hush Hush series. It had the main character, whom was shy and a damsel in distress, the typical bad boy and a sidekick. It was based in a High School where they meet in a lesson because they become partners. (Sound familiar? If you've read the trilogy, you'll get that).

Even though I absolutely adore my book, Control Over Me, I didn't want to publish it. The guilt knowing that I had written this book, while reading or re-reading this trilogy, was always there. Whenever I have a quick look back, I can see a lot of similarities. And that's the struggle with having a look of writing and reading: you can't do both at the same time.

To kind of, avoid this happening again, I make sure that I read different genres. So now that my book that I'm currently writing is based on a girl that works in a cafe, who meets a CEO of a company, I can now read the Hush Hush trilogy. For the simple fact that there's no angels, no immortality, no similar locations and no bad boy. Just an introvert who wants to write and another introvert that can't understand how he feels. But I don't want to spoil that completely and give away all my ideas.

This time around, writing this book has been a slow process. It's contained a lot of writer's blocks, frustrations and a lot of perfectionism. I want this book to be the first book I ever publish, and have people picking it up off the shelves and buying it. I don't want to this be another Control Over Me disaster where it just gets left on a memory stick, to then be forgotten. This is a book that I've actually taken the time to really sit down and think about the structure. To think about how I want the chapters to go, what I want to write. I'm taking the time to really dissect the characters and really think about what they'd do in these situations. And I'm definitely not trying to create a damsel in distress. Because my main character is most certainly not one. She's stronger than she realises. She just needs a little push here and there.

To say I’ve gotten into this book would be an understatement. I mean, I even created a vision board for my book, as you can see above. This is a little snippet into my world, and the characters. I want to create more boards, explaining their personalities, their hobbies, their pet peeves. I feel like I’m so emotionally invested in this book, it might have to turn into a trilogy. I think that’s another reason why it’s been such a slow progress. Because I don’t ever want to say goodbye to these characters and this world. 

Aside from creating vision boards, I’ve also been creating other things. Things that are needed for the book. I want to create social media accounts, websites, everything. I want this book to shine and when it’s finally out, have a place where readers can visit, to make them feel almost as if they’re part of the progress of the story. 



I feel like I’ve spoke. Too much and rambled in forever. If you made it to the end; congrats! It’s over! If you have, maybe leave a comment with the phrase... “Control Over Me”, and then I know who the are  that read until the end. Until next time....

I MISS IRELAND!

Hello Humans! So... I miss Ireland. Already. And it's been A DAY! I've got a big-ass vlog uploaded on YouTube that I put up today, and that's linked below. But I just wanted to write about my experience, because this is the first time I actually travelled by myself to another country. (It's technically another country, just linked - right????)


The airport was pretty easy. I know the Leeds Bradford airport like the back of my hand. But I didn't realise how boring it is being there for 2 hours... I had breakfast at Camden Food and then I chilled there for a bit. After that, I thought I'd have a look at the shops (again, forgot how small). So I looked in Duty Free and then realised I wanted a specific perfume that I knew they wouldn't sell, and I'm not the biggest fan of the ones they sell. I mean, I could've looked at the alcohol and sweets, but I'm not really into that stuff, or carrying it around. I find Duty Free's awkward, because the staff are always around asking if you need help, etc. And I'm too socially awkward for that shit.

Waiting around was just extensive, and I was exhausted because of getting up at 4:30. It was a lot of standing around, staring at the departures board and just praying that it time hurried up. The boarding was a breeze. Well, apart from my bloody Flybe app messing around when it was my turn, and I awkwardly had to be like, "sorry, my app." But the woman was really respectful and fine with it. I got a window seat, which is what I like, because I love looking outside and seeing us start and end the flight.

*   *   *   *   *

Seeing my brother was such a good feeling. We always say we dislike each other, but when we're together, we're kind of inseparable at the minute. Especially when we're by ourselves. I forgot what colour car he had, lol. I couldn't remember if it was silver or black. Turns out it's silver. I forget, because when he lived here in England, and first moved over, he had a red Ford Fiesta, so I always have that in my head.

Seeing Oisin was amazing. My little nephew/godson. He's such a little ball of happiness, and he's always a happy soul. He's easy going and isn't really bothered by much. AND HE'S STARTING TO SPEAK! Mollie, oh my goodness!!! We picked her up from preschool and Thomas peered in to see her, and then he let her see me. Wow, she  got out of her seat, and ran over to me and jumped up into my arms. I've never experienced this before from Mollie, so it completely melted my heart. All her teachers were like, "ah so you're Brogan then."

*   *   *   *   *

I'm not going to do a run through of everything we did, just because I'm inserting my vlog at the end, but I did want to say that overall the experience was absolutely amazing. I was proud that I managed to fly by myself for the first time. I was really excited and only a tiny bit nervous. I sat next to a girl on the way home, who was petrified of flying. I found it interesting to see it from a different point of view. (Is that weird? Is that slightly twisted???)

Travelling Planning.

Hello Humans! Hope your week has been good! As you read this, I'm currently in Ireland, having the most amazing time with family. (Already sad to go home and I've just got here!)

In today's post, I'm going to talk about how I plan for travelling to Ireland. It's just a weekend trip, I'm only going to Ireland on a plane for less than an hour, but I STILL need to plan!!

Make a list!

I find making lists of everything I want to take so useful. It doesn't help that I'm overly organised, and lists excites me. (Yes, I am a nerd.) I find this useful, so then if I have anything else that I want to add to the list, I can during the week.

Keep it light.

Remember that yes, you're technically going on a small vacation, you're still only travelling a domestic flight. Which means a; you can only have 10kg of luggage, including a handbag, and b; you actually have to keep the luggage with you.

I use a small hand luggage every time I go (as you can see, lol), and this one is actually my mum's, because mine ripped inside - sad times. I like this one however, as it's a good size and a lightweight suitcase. And because I'm short af, I need a suitcase that I can have under the seat in front of me, because I can't reach the overhead locker thingy.

Check the weather.

I mean, no offence to Ireland, but it has the most shitty weather ever! It always rains and when it's sunny, you can guarantee it's the last day of the trip and you're only there for the morning and then you're back to England. BUT there's a possibility that we're having a bbq this weekend, so you know I'm excited for that!!!!

H A V E  F U N !

As cheesy as it sounds, just enjoy it. Don't stress, argue, etc. Make memories, capture the moments and keep them forever. 



And those are my few tips and tricks. Most of my travelling consists on me stressing over my dad being too laid back and then running through the airport to get the flight... 🙄 This is my first EVER time flying by myself. Not with a parent, not with Phoebe. LITERALLY by myself! If you want to see how I get along, look out for my Ireland post on Monday. (A big-ass vlog is going up Monday and a music-style video is going up on Tuesday!)

Darkness & Loneliness

It starts off gradually,
Almost as if you barely feel it.
And then it creeps up your throat,
And it's like you can't breathe.

It spreads all over your body,
Until you feel it everywhere;
Nothing.

You feel everything shut down,
And there's screaming in your head:
Everything you've not said,
Everything you've thought.

You sit there, waiting.
For it to stop feeling numb,
For it to stop hurting at the same time.

It's everything all in one,
And it's the hope that it stops.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock...

MUSIC MONDAY; NOUGHTIES EDITION! 🎶

Hello Humans! Hope you're all well! I'm currently counting down the days until the weekend (which means it'll probs go slow 🙄). A N Y W A Y, you'll see the full vlog and a music-style video next Monday and Tuesday!

SO THIS BLOG POST! I've decided to throw it back to my childhood and share with you some of the songs/artists that I love/d!

Westlife - Uptown Girl

OH EM GEE! I absolutely LOVE Westlife. Always have - always will! But this song!!!! 😍😍😍😍 The video, the song, the freaking vibe! Everything about this song is just amazing! It was for red nose day and all money went to charity. I dunno, I miss these boys. And I'm sad that they broke up.

Girls Aloud - Jump

Okay I only chose this one because I wanted to use this gif. I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't the biggest fan of Girls Aloud, but I do love this song. And I love Hugh Grant in this scene. Girls Aloud was so popular in the 2000s.

S Club 7 - Reach

Oh my god okay. So I used to LOVE S Club 7 back in the day! I used to have the magazines, this box thing to put them in. I was a MASSIVE fan of S Club 7! I feel like you were a fan of Steps or S Club 7, and I dunno. Steps never really interested me that much, however I did like some of their songs.

Sugababes - Round Round

God I love a little bit of Sugababes. I know they changed members constantly, but this era was MY ERA! And I fricking loved it!! This album was perf, and I love so many of their songs, and whenever I hear their songs, I get so excited.

Robbie Williams - Rock DJ

My love for Robbie Williams is all thanks to my brother. He was, and still is, obsessed with him. This music video is so weird, but that's how he is and how he loves to be. But this is deffo the song I first heard from him, that I loved! But yeah, be prepared if you watch the video. Just, be prepared.



And those are the songs/artists I used to love in the 2000's/noughties! Let me know in the comments which songs you used to love, and if you've only just discovered some of these artists now, you are welcome!