An Open Letter To My Teenage Self.

Based on the age of 15/16.

I know right now, you feel nothing but guilt inside, and everything feels dark. And sometimes numb. Unfortunately, I can't promise you that disappears. It's going to stick with you, and it's going to change you as a person. But it's okay, you're going to meet someone that's going to be your rock through all of it. It's not a boy, or a romantic relationship. It's a best friend. And trust me, I know you feel like that girl you're best friends with now is there with you for the long run, but she's going to turn toxic. This best friend won't judge you, or ever make you feel idiotic. 

I know the voices are taking over your thought process right now, and you're feeling a little lost. I know you're being quiet, because you think it's going to help, but unfortunately it's all going to blow up in your face before you know it. Your brother's going to hate you and your dad's going to be disappointed. But eventually, everyone moves on and everyone's happy. I promise you.

You keep feeling like there's something not quite right with you. And every time you try to open up with mum and dad, they brush you off like you're being silly. But stick with it. You're right, and we're trying to work through it even now. Just don't forget to keep being you. Losing yourself isn't worth it. 

Overall, if I were to tell you anything, I'd tell you you're doing fine. Everything gets better than where you are right now. Wait until you meet the two little people that you're going to love forever. 

Smile of delight.

Ocean blue eyes,
And a smile of delight.
This is what I think about all the time. 

Dysmorphia.

It’s something that is often a thought in my mind. No matter what I’m doing the day, or who I’m with. It’s the looking down and trying to cover it, as I see reflections of myself in shop windows or mirrors. I almost feel disgusting for even going outside sometimes. 

It’s feeling like I’ve failed myself, for not being where I wanted to be in this moment. It doesn’t happen every day, but when it’s there, it appears in heaps and waves. And I’m unable to get it out of my mind. I fixate over it. Deciding against that outfit I originally loved, but I’m now against because of how I look. 

It’s a mental state of mind, and unfortunately for me, it’s just another addition to the list. But whenever I see myself; there’s always a negative, before a positive. 

Addiction.

It's the way my heart skips a beat when I first see him that day.
It's the picture of his smile that sticks in my head.
And it's the way our eyes meet from across the room.

It's these little things, that reels me back to him. And I find myself being enchanted by him. There's something about my eyes, that seem to draw back to him, whenever he's nearby.

He's almost like an addiction that I've kept to myself for so many months. Unable to speak out loud about it still, even though the drug is well aware of its own existence. I'm too scared to even do anything when he's around; worried that a simple step towards him, will cause myself to break down.

I wish I had the confidence to move this thing forward. To chance the thoughts inside my head, rather than them keeping me awake. But unfortunately the fear kicks in, and it's just the smile and a "hello" that I'll have to deal with. Until then, he's still an addiction. 

Silence Is Deafening

My heart still skips a beat when you walk into the room,
However, this ignorance you've created, is making me think doom.
All I want is to stare into your ocean blue eyes,
But you're giving me nothing, to my surprise.

I stay quiet, saying nothing to no one,
But this feels like a standstill; why are we not in motion?
So many thoughts are going 'round in my head,
Keeping me up as I like awake in my bed.

I've served the ball over to you,
Are you going to make me feel blue?
Because this silence is deafening,
And to speak up is almost threatening. 

But this is the choice I've made,
To see if my silence has paid.
I want to make you wonder,
Why my face is like thunder.

FITNESS FRIDAY: A NEW WORKOUT.

So if you've been reading my blog for a little while, you'll know that fitness takes over my life 4/5 times a week. I attend classes, do my own thing sometimes, etc. And while I'm there, I also take note of the workouts that have really worked with me. So, because I'm so lovely, I thought I'd share a new workout with you all!

An app that I use to time my workouts is "Seconds". You can personalise it to however you want to use it to suit you perfectly. (Obvs not a spon. Just a personal preference).

It's a good high intensity workout. Trying a brand new one tomorrow - so will probs put that one up soon! Let me know in the comments if you try this one out and what you thought! (By the way, this is a workout from a personal trainer at the gym. I'm not claiming this as my own).

Ocean Blue

He's someone that I've admired from afar,
Not telling anyone, so it doesn't leave a scar.
But there's something about his ocean blue eyes,
That's got my gaze lingering and heaving hopeful sighs.

Unfortunately due to my long list of preference,
Showing pictures to people as a reference.
That unfortunately this will just be a crush,
When a simple interaction can make me blush.

He's someone that I'll admire from afar,
Because the rejection will leave me a scar.
But his presence causes me to stare,
And silently ponder without a care.