I Dreamt Of You Last Night... #5

I dreamt of you last night.

I dreamt that we were
closer than we are now, and
that we were turning into
something more,

You asked me all about my
family and it made me
feel like home.

I Dreamt Of You Last Night... #4

I dreamt of you last night.

Although the details are
blurry, I knew you were in
the dream.

And it made me wish
I was with you now.

I Dreamt Of You Last Night... #3

I dreamt of you last night.

You were slightly jealous
when I said I used to have someone
to text me.

& then we spent the day getting
closer and closer...

I kinda wish it was real.

I Dreamt Of You Last Night... #2

I dreamt of you last night.

You were supposed

to kill me.

But you saved me instead.

I dreamt of you last night... #1

I dreamt of you last night.

You was on holiday and I told you to ask

me about a guy. And then when you spoke to me,

you randomly said his name.

At first I was confused,

and then I told you he was a

guy I was speaking to. You told

me "no, no boys."

It was like you wanted me to be

yours, but you never said.

Life Update + Current Favourites!

Not going to lie, it was a last minute madness actually filming a YouTube video for once. I wanted to do a sit down video and just update the few viewers I have. Sometimes, it’s harder to write everything down. 

I really wanted to be honest in this video and talk about both my love life and also actually talk about work for once. My old job, I was more than happy to talk about it openly and discuss what I actually do, etc. With my new job, I quite like the privacy about it and keeping work at work. But the parts I touched on in regards to my love life, I do really want to do a full video on that. So let me know what you think. (And yes, Dani really did take over my Bumble!) ((Also update on the guy I went on a date with???? Yeah he completely ghosted me, so extremely tempted to do a video on him too.))

My Current Favourites

Stationery:

Okay so I haven't done this in order of the video, because most of the video I was winging it. My diary. My safe haven. I really love using this notebook as my safe space. Even though sometimes, it's the thing that scares me the most; writing it all down, making it real. But I'm training my mind to realise that this is something I'll appreciate in the long run. And it makes me really sad to know that I'm finishing 2018 with the same diary I started with. So my 2019 (gosh that's scary), is to use more than one diary. Write in it every day. Or at least every few days.

Something you need to know about me, is that I am OBSESSED with stationery. Paperchase is my favourite shop to visit, and I absolutely adore the Typo website. I have these two desk organisers/list pads for two separate reasons. I've recently bought the top one specifically for my book. I love the little tabs: 

• Action
• Research
• Urgent
• Need this
• Love this
• Remember
• Take note

And these are pretty much things that I write down in my book that has all my info on my book. So I'm really excited to sit down and use it! The only thing I dislike about this one, is the grid list pad. I had grid paper, and much prefer just lined. But it's not that much of a big deal, so I'll get over it.

The second one is my every day list pad/desk organiser. This one I usually use for my list of food ingredients I need for both my mum's house and my dad's house. I also love the difference with this one, that there's no writing on most of them, except the small sticky notes:

• One at a time
• You can do this

And I find these inspiring. And it's also just so freaking cute!!

Makeup & Beauty:

As I am constantly saying on my YouTube and Blog, I am not a beauty blogger. If anything, I'm far from it. But I do LOVE makeup. (To an extent. I'm not as passionate about it as Joanne, but I do appreciate it!) 

I am a drugstore whore, however I will say that this Estee Lauder primer is my all-time favourite primer I've tried. I've used the Collection Primed & Ready primer and I hated it. As soon as you rubbed it slightly into your hands, it just disappeared. It felt greasy and it just wasn't for me. I also have the Rimmel Fix & Protect primer, however there's something about it I don't particularly like. I think part of it, was the shock of it being both white and extremely watery. I don't hate it, but it's not my favourite.

When I was in college, I used to absolutely adore the Rimmel Match Perfection Foundation. Especially in Light Porcelain. And let's be real here, it made me look like a porcelain doll. And not in a good way. As you may or may not know from watching my YouTube videos, I've definitely tried many different foundations over the years. However,I had the best shock ever, to actually love my Rimmel foundation again. I mix two pumps of Light Porcelain and a pump of True Ivory, and it seems to match me so well.

Mascara. I love a good mascara. Especially when Rita Ora is the face of it. This is such a good buildable mascara to use, to make your lashes look exactly how you want them to. For work, I like my lashes to look more natural and just slightly longer. However, going out on a night out or some sort of event, I like to build it and make them look longer and more volume.

I decided to add these under this heading, otherwise it was by it's billy lonesome. And who wants that? These little beauties are from Primark and they were a total of £1.00! Absolute bargain, I know. Two of the sets of earrings are not on there. One; because my mum took the smallest pair, and two; because I was wearing the 2nd to smallest pair as taking the picture. Lols - fail. But yes, I wear the missing pair every day for work and it makes me feel more... made up? I don't know how to explain it, but hoop earrings are a fave for me. 

And that's it! I wanted to do a full review on To All The Boys I've Loved Before. So if you want to see that, please let me know. &&&& also in November, I'm "hosting" a week all about Mental Health and 5 people's separate journeys with it. So be sure to look out for that!

24.09.2018.

Dear Diary,

I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could write it all down and suddenly it all made sense. But, I can't. There's something wrong with me inside, and I can't put my finger on it. There's this nagging thing that's making me feel irritable and angry. It's caused by more than one thing, and more than one person. It's the little things and sometimes it's that one thing, that can determine my mood for the next 48 hours. It could be jealousy, or maybe it's the feeling of being forgotten. I haven't quite decided which one of the two it is yet.

I have a strong pet hate for people that love to get under my skin. That love to play with my mind and my emotions. Especially when they know my mental health isn't the best at the moment. They do it for their own entertainment and their own ego boost. It's their thing that gives them a kick of happiness, but not for me. The worst thing of all, is that I let it get to me and I react exactly the way they want me to. And I hate myself for that. It's almost like I'm going to have to train my mind to not respond. To become the ice-queen - the Blair Waldorf in situations. But I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my heart isn't really listening these days.

I get a strong hatred when I'm reminded of a situation I don't particularly like. And the less I think of that topic, the happier I feel inside. However, when it's shoved in my face, it makes me feel angry and uncomfortable. Especially when there's unresolved issues with the matter, and it seems that only you realise this. Well, I'm starting to. Maybe it's my own issue and it's something that's petty and unnecessary. But when you have a gut feeling that there's going to be a goodbye, you can't help but feel angry. Especially when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, because the other person just doesn't care. And that's what breaks my heart.

I'm trying to be numb. Trying not to let it hurt me. But there's the emotional side of me that keeps seeping through, and I just can't stop it. But eventually, the people will beat me. And I'll be a shell of failure. Failure to myself and to the person I want to be. And it's making me count down the days.