24.09.2018.

Dear Diary,

I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could write it all down and suddenly it all made sense. But, I can't. There's something wrong with me inside, and I can't put my finger on it. There's this nagging thing that's making me feel irritable and angry. It's caused by more than one thing, and more than one person. It's the little things and sometimes it's that one thing, that can determine my mood for the next 48 hours. It could be jealousy, or maybe it's the feeling of being forgotten. I haven't quite decided which one of the two it is yet.

I have a strong pet hate for people that love to get under my skin. That love to play with my mind and my emotions. Especially when they know my mental health isn't the best at the moment. They do it for their own entertainment and their own ego boost. It's their thing that gives them a kick of happiness, but not for me. The worst thing of all, is that I let it get to me and I react exactly the way they want me to. And I hate myself for that. It's almost like I'm going to have to train my mind to not respond. To become the ice-queen - the Blair Waldorf in situations. But I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my heart isn't really listening these days.

I get a strong hatred when I'm reminded of a situation I don't particularly like. And the less I think of that topic, the happier I feel inside. However, when it's shoved in my face, it makes me feel angry and uncomfortable. Especially when there's unresolved issues with the matter, and it seems that only you realise this. Well, I'm starting to. Maybe it's my own issue and it's something that's petty and unnecessary. But when you have a gut feeling that there's going to be a goodbye, you can't help but feel angry. Especially when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, because the other person just doesn't care. And that's what breaks my heart.

I'm trying to be numb. Trying not to let it hurt me. But there's the emotional side of me that keeps seeping through, and I just can't stop it. But eventually, the people will beat me. And I'll be a shell of failure. Failure to myself and to the person I want to be. And it's making me count down the days.

Spain Travel Diary.

It's official. I'm in grieving mode. All I can think about is Spain, the warm weather and the villa. And I just want to be back. So now it's all about the countdown to Australia. In 2020. So instead of wallowing in self-pity, I thought I'd put together a blog post, all about my trip and then I have something to look back on as well. 

The Journey

The journey overall wasn't too bad. We travelled from Leeds to Manchester for the flight. Got lost just before we arrived at the airport (we were supposed to turn right, but went straight on. I knew this was going to happen but just let it, lol). The waiting around was okay, and we only had hand luggage, which meant that we just needed to go straight through to security. We had breakfast, looked around a little bit, and then I think the tiredness hit us all. So after the shortest walk through duty-free ever, we found a lounging area next to our estimated gate. Then when the gate was announced, we queued up and got on the plane. Mine and Phoebe's bags got taken from us and they had to put it under the plane. Annoying, but what can ya do?

I believe the flight took around 2 and a half hours, but with delay, we got there around... 10/11ish. (It’s been at least 2 weeks, I can’t remember what I did yesterday, okay?!) Phoebe and I had to wait for our cases, and then we made our way to the transfer area. We met our van driver around 15 minutes later, whom took us to the car rental place. We got U P G R A D E D ! And the car was insane! Although, being 4 foot 7.5 and getting into this tall-ass car, wasn’t fun. Altogether the car journey was 3 hours. And we got to the villa around 15:30. At this point, I was ready for a nap. But I soildered on.  

The Villa.

Oh my goodness, the villa was heavenly. As you can see from the diagram above, there was a "granny flat" upstairs, which was mine and Phoebe's, and then downstairs was where everyone else slept. It was so spacious and just everything we needed. The pool was FREEZING, however we needed that. (Except first thing on a morning because that was not fun.) It was nice to have a small, private space to ourselves. Which had a a kitchen, an outside balcony area, a bathroom and a double bed. And it was nice when I felt like if I wanted to do something by myself, I had that space that I could kind of escape to. If that makes sense.

However, I would say that a big downfall of having that private space, is also the feeling of being left out. So there would a lot of times where the rest of the fam were making plans downstairs, we weren't always part of them, and we'd get told last minute. Which sometimes sucked. Also, another thing was the feeling of constantly feeling guilty every morning for waking up Phoebe, by opening the door blinds. I'm such a morning person, and knowing that either my brother or sister-in-law was downstairs up with the kids, I just wanted to leave Phoebe to sleep. However, to get out of her way to get there, I was constantly waking her up. (Soz, Feebs).

One of the things that were both good and bad - depending on the day - was how secluded we were. (You’ll see from the vid below), but it was so bad! (But also good. It’s a win-lose situation). The nearest supermarket to us was a 20 minute drive, which to the manager of the villa, decided that was just down the road. However, it was nice to have the privacy for the kids, and for us to just relax without anyone else around. Other than the dogs barking from the villa next door. At literally nothing. Maybe us, who knows...

Holiday Songs.

Obviously, when you’re on holiday there are songs that will iconically become the Holiday Songs. And whenever you hear them post-holiday, it’ll just make you reminisce. In Spain, there were three songs that we could consider our holiday songs:

1. Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B - Girls Like You

2. Marin Morris - The Middle 

3. George Ezra. 

Every time I hear any of the songs now, I just feel sentimental of the good times on the holiday, and takes me back instantly. Sighhhhhh. 

Overall, I found the trip extremely relaxing. It was definitely needed, and came around at just the right time. I am still in my "I Miss Spain" frame of mind. I had some ups and down - mentally - but I really did enjoy having a holiday with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. Sadly I won't be attending the holiday next year, however the rest of the famalam shall be. I also put together a lil video of the holibobs, so enjoy;

Body Confidence.

Following on from my video that just went live at the same time as this post, I wanted to share a little bit more info on why I wanted to do this. I have this weird mentality, where if I say something is okay, and everything is going to run smoothly; I’ll make sure it does. So I keep telling myself I’m going to be absolutely fine mentally on holiday, and I’ll keep telling myself that, until I believe it and it happens. This video for me, was a big one for me. I’m actually surprised I’ve uploaded it and let it go live. But like I said in the video, I’m on my holibobs and not looking online as often so... 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Outfit 

Pinafore dress // Primark
Black shirt // (probs) Primark

Tights // ngl, no idea. Probably George. 

Makeup

Primer // Estée Lauder

Foundation // Rimmel Lasting Finish Breathable Foundation

Concealer // L’oreal True Match Concealer

Powder // Rimmel Stay Matte Powder

Blush // Makeup Revolution

Eyebrows // Collection Eyebrow Kit

Mascara // Rimmel’s Rita Ora Wonder'full Mascara

Eyeshadow // Freedom Eyeshadow

Lipstick // Sophdoesnails x Revolution: Cake

Just a quick disclaimer, O B V I O U S L Y none of these links are affiliated, I’ve not been sponsored by any brands. 

And of course, last but not least, here’s the vid:

Reviewing Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again!

So I feel like I'm finally emotionally stable enough to talk about Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. And I have A LOT to say!

Synopsis:

In 1979 young Donna, Tanya and Rosie graduate from Oxford University -- leaving Donna free to embark on a series of adventures throughout Europe. On her journeys, she makes the acquaintances of Harry, Bill and Sam -- the latter whom she falls in love with, but he's also the man who breaks her heart. In the present day, Donna's pregnant daughter, Sophie, dreams of renovating a taverna while reuniting with her mother's old friends and boyfriends on the Greek island of Kalokairi.

I went into the cinema with my mum both excited and nervous. With the realisation that the weeks of questioning IS DONNA ALIVE?! was finally going to be answered. I was waiting to see this a second time, but with my new work schedule, I haven't managed to see it again yet. But on Monday (20th August) I'm off to see it again, and I CANNOT WAIT!



For me, there was a few difference between the 1st film and the 2nd film. Some bugged me a little bit, just with the continuity of it, and how it changed a lot from the two different films. One of the big ones for me was the dads. Let's look at the differences:

So in the first film, Harry was known as Harry Headbanger. This rock-punk kind of dude with the eyeliner, spiked hair and edgy look to him. In the second film, the only thing that's actually the same, is that he wears a leather jacket. They made the personalities the same; aka awkward, camp, and hilarious. I loved getting to know Harry through Donna, and how they met, etc. But I must I was a little disappointed that he wasn't how he was perceived in the first film at this age.

Sam Carmichael. He's made out to be a "hippie" type of character with long hair, weird facial hair and extremely old school. But the Sam from the second film had medium-length hair, wore a leather jacket, and drove a motorcycle. And with Bill Anderson's character. I feel is the only one that got represented similarly. Josh Dylan played Bill very well, I feel. The hair was a little shorter for Young Bill, and he wasn't as "hippie" as he was made out to be in the first film, but I felt like he was the most realistically and similar in both films. 


Another thing that really confused me was Donna's mum. In the first film, after Super Trooper, she states that she's dead. "Somebody up there, has got it in for me. I bet it's my mother." So when she appears in the second film and I was like ?????

Now moving onto the music. THE. MUSIC!!!! I AM OBSESSED! I listen to the music CONSTANTLY and I'm writing in caps because that's how excited I am!!!!

My favourite songs are When I Kissed The Teacher, Why Did It Have To Be Me? and Andante, Andante. I love the vibe of this album and it's such a feel-good album.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you which film I prefer because I love them both for different reasons. So if you haven't seen it, 1 are you crazy?! Go see it and let me know what you think!!

What I Ate Wednesday

I must admit, I can be very lazy with what I eat on an evening. Pre-made meals from M&S are something that I live off. And they’re the balanced ones. But, let’s be real. They ain’t doing me any good. So instead, last week I decided to make my own meals and see how I felt afterwards. Honestly? 10 times better!! I think it’s because I was aware of what ingredients was in every meal, and if I wanted to, I could have counted the calories too.

So I took images of the first 4 days, as this is when I was at my dad’s and prepared it all myself. Here they are:

Monday: Pesto Fish with boiled potatoes, peppers and veg. 

Not gonna lie, I was so excited to make this. No idea why. I saw an image online and ever since, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I decided to get the ingredients and just make it. 

Ingredients:

• Fish (of your choice)
• Pesto
• Boiled Potatoes
• Red Peppers
• Carrots

Making this meal was actually kind of a "risk" because I wasn't sure how pesto on fish would actually taste to me. I can be known to be quite picky when it comes to food. Only because I only liked a small amount of food when I was young, and now as I'm an adult, I love experimenting. Not gonna lie, my taste buds were a little confused, because usually when I have pesto, it's on chicken. And eating this, I expected it to taste the same (don't know why). But I really enjoyed it, and it was really filling.

Tuesday: Chicken Stir-fry.

Okay I confess! I attempted to make my Mum's Famous Stir Fry and I FAILED!!! No one can make the stir fry like her, and I will HATE anyone else's. Including my own. I was so gutted as well, because I had been looking forward to this all day, and it just wasn't good.

Ingredients:

• Chicken breast
• Mixed Pepper Stir Fry Mix
• Light Soy Sauce

I was all ready to be proper smug with my mum, and prove that I could make a better stir fry than hers, and it completely flopped. Honestly have no idea where it went wrong! Might be because my mum uses Birdseye Chicken Breasts and I used regular???? Not a clue! But I sent her a picture and even she admitted, it looked pretty shit. So note to self: just leave it to the expert.

Wednesday: Homemade Prawn Linguine

I decided to put the two pictures up so it kind of made sense why it looks so weird and maybe gross???? Basically on a Wednesday, if I have the day off on Thursday, I go to my Nana and Grandad's house and we eat there for tea. 

Ingredients:

• Prawns
• Tagliatelle 
• Garlic
• Dry White Wine
• Double Thick Cream
• Parmesan 

I found this recipe online and I LOVE IT! This is a brand new thing I'm obsessed with making. My best friend Phoebe has asked if I'll make it on holiday as well, so looks like we have one meal sorted LOL. I made a big batch for my dad and I, and honestly it's so DELISH! This is deffo one where I'd make a side post/video on how to make this. Although, I get stressed halfway through.

Thursday: Steak with diane sauce and veg.

😂😂😂😂😂 I'm aware there's A LOT of sauce on there. In fact, here's the conversation I had with Phoebe:

I'm a follow the instructions, kind of gal. And that's what it told me to put in! I realised, as I poured it out, that it was a bit too much. But OH WELL!

Ingredients:

• Sirloin Steak
• Broccoli
• Carrots
• SA Sauces; Diane Sauce

SA Sauces is a brand that I came across at The North Leeds Food Festival. The owner had a stall, and we tried some of her sauces, and I bought some. I've been meaning to try a new one for weeks, and decided to use the Diane Sauce with my steak. And it didn't disappoint! Loved it! Check them out because they're super cheap and affordable!

But anyway, the meal. I thought the Diane sauce had a lovely kick to it! It was thick and creamy (sounds gross), and I really liked it. Highly recommend.

Overall, I loved making the food. I felt more in control, and I loved knowing what was being put into the meals. If you're feeling like you're in a slum and want to try out any of the meals, go for it and let me know. And if you want a recipe of any of the meals I made, leave me a comment or a tweet, and I'll do it!

FITNESS FRIDAY

Happy Friday everybody! I thought I would post a brand new workout for you all to give it a try. I've tested this myself and can confirm that it's brutal, and you definitely feel it the next day.

Let me know how you get on with this one!

Can’t Win.

There’s been an almost revelation in my head,

That maybe it’s time to make this bed. 

Because what I thought was real,

Isn’t what you feel.

And maybe now, it’s time to say goodbye. 

I realise that what I was thinking was wrong,

That maybe you’d change, and I’d belong.

But I feel like a naive child,

For allowing my head to be wild. 

Now it’s time to let the thoughts die.